18 entries for April 2020

[A lifelong commitment to yourself.]

[The relationship, not either of the people, is the client, and needs counsel.]

[Invent agreements for right after the breakup, for six weeks later, for six months later.]

[Put aside future tripping: will this lead to sex? Who cares? The two of you are in the moment, feeling your feet.]

[Sexiness is about how you feel, not how you look.]

[Sexually successful people masturbate.]

[Try masturbating simultaneously with your lover in the same room, it could be a turn on or a way to learn their patterns of pleasure.]

[Spaced repetition systems can be a form of attention programming: if I like a question but have nothing to respond at the moment, I can schedule a review in a few days; if my review was fruitful, I can review it sooner to add more; if my review was not fruitful, I can review it later to try again.]

[Executable strategy: doable, predictable effort to carry out, little effort to select and plan, more of these activities bring you closer to the goal.]

[Social media doesn't have the equivalent of an open workspace where you can see people's process. Those who stop publishing become invisible. Those who publish constantly are prominent.]

My lady would like you to have her phone number.

I can listen to myself. I can acknowledge my own pain more precisely than most people. I have the time and flexibility to be present.

[Look at random people and try to imagine: what is their lover's favourite thing about them? What makes them loveable or lustworthy? Do this especially with people you wouldn't normally consider in that way.]

[Open up a controversy, discuss it for a short pre-determined amount of time, then find a way to close it until next time.]

[When a relationship goal seems too large, split it into smaller steps, order by difficulty, and always take the easiest step.]

[We need to feel sure that the needs we reveal will not be held against us.]

[Eight steps to win-win conflict resolution: 1) Take time to vent anger. 2) Pick one issue. 3) Make an appointment to talk. 4) Take three minutes for each person to express feelings with "I-statements" and without "you-messages"; focus on emotions and maybe take time between each session. 5) Brainstorm a list of solutions. 6) Remove any that can't be accepted by one of you. 7) Pick a solution for a specified period like two to four weeks. 8) Re-evaluate when the time is up.]

[Between "full agreement" and "no agreement", there is a spectrum that includes "no agreement yet" or "tolerable disagreement" or "who cares?".]

[Expect that some agreements may not work or may require change.]

[Anger can indicate what is important to someone.]

[It is possible to validate every note if it resolves.]

[Emotion is not an opinion, it is a truth about someone's experience.]

[Feelings like to be heard and validated, not analyzed and explained.]

In some [indigenous] cultures it is customary to wait several minutes after a person speaks before responding: it is rude and disrespectful to fail to think about what the person has said

[Use jealousy as a signpost: "Work on this feeling right here!"]

[Try to learn without trashing yourself for not already knowing.]

[It may not be possible to eradicate jealousy from your system, but you can change the way you experience it and disempower the emotion.]

[Feelings like to be listened to.]

[Emotions are not 'wrong' or 'right': they are expressions of truth only need to be felt, not justified.]

[Have the strength to acknowledge what you are afraid of; the images in your mind are clues to what those fears are.]

[Silly is the opposite of powerful.]

This time I listened, without interrupting, trying only to let her know that I love her, I feel her pain, I am here for her. She is furious with me, and I am not giving myself permission to defend myself, and I hurt.

When our partners come home from hot dates, they are often excited and turned on and have some new ideas they would like to try out at home. [Nothing to lose] in this situation.

[Flirting is about seeing the other person, about communicating that you are paying attention, that you perceive how they are different from the others.]

[It's like learning to ride a bicycle: maybe strange and awkward at first, maybe you will fall down a lot, but once you find your balance it feels great, and you never forget.]

[You can't learn from your mistakes if you're always right.]

[When you find yourself blaming someone, ask if there are feelings of yours that you need to claim ownership of.]

Set an example for other people by openly talking about your insecurities without feeling weighed down by then - to be aware of them, to speak about them with detachment, to share them without being dominated. Set an example that there is no shame in doing that or need to feel like you might be rejected.

What can we normalize with our actions?

Tell people who you are.

[Everyone around you gets permission to be open with their vulnerable feelings when you have the courage to be open about yours.]

I ask for whatever I want, and say no to whatever I don't.

I turn difficulties into opportunities for growth.

Try to recognize and affirm the unique qualities of each person you meet.