[In some Canadian provinces, probating a will essentially makes it public. One workaround is to use a trust, which is often a private document.]

[For the first year, avoid taking complicated decisions (especially when you’re brain is foggy) and just mourn.]

[Trusts can own assets when passed to them by the settlor, and beneficiaries can be classes of definable people or entities (for example, grandchildren not yet born).]

[Those over 65 can create Alter Ego Trusts in place of a will to distribute assets with more privacy, and transfer some assets into a trust without taxation events.]

[Advisors you might deal with include: bankers, investment advisors, estate planners, insurance advisors, lawyers, and accountants. The last two must be fiduciaries (obliged to act in your interest under risk of legal proceedings or loss of license.)]

[Ask progressively squirm-causing questions, about their 1) qualifications and if they’re regulated by an organization; 2) experience in years; 3) services and how often you’ll meet; 4) licenses to handles specific asset types (like stocks, bonds, etc…); 5) errors and omissions insurance; 6) their team if any to be wary of rookies thrown in later; 7) fees and payment structure; 8) sales quota this week; 9) understanding of fiduciary and if they are one (they must answer this correctly); 10) audited track record of selecting investments; a) answers in writing on company letterhead.]

[Writing a will is unselfish because it mostly benefits your loved ones as opposed to you.]

[Update your will when someone turns 18, gets married or divorced, or if you move to another state or buy real estate. Check it every five years.]

Do not say, “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable.

To the new griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person-the one who relays information to the outside world, or organizes well-wishers. Gatekeepers are really helpful.

[Compare something unfamiliar with the familiar can nudge us toward taking care for our safety.]

My tragedy is not contagious; you will not catch your children’s death from me. I know you don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t have a few months ago, either. A little advice? Don’t platitude me. Do not start any sentences with the phrase “at least,” for you will then witness my miraculous transformation into Grief Warrior.

On the page, everything is allowed. Everything has a voice.

Leftovers are the requisite variety I need to feel comfortable cooking at home, so I should consider it the goal instead of avoiding it like an efficiency issue.

When someone you love dies, you don’t just lose them in the present or in the past. You lose the future you should have had, and might have had, with them. They are missing from all the life that was to be. Seeing other people get married, have kids, travel-all the things you expected out of life with your person-gone. Seeing other children go to kindergarten, or graduate, or get married—all those things your child should have done, had they lived. Your kids never get to know their brilliant uncle; your friend never gets to read your finished book.

A day (or more) inside a blanket fort of your own choosing is healthy.

[Being kind to yourself means not letting your own mind beat you up.]

[Early grief is liminal: we are no longer who we were and not yet solidified into something new—everything is in flux.]

[Anxiety can be overwhelming as there’s no shortage of potential disasters. You can trust yourself.]

Caramelized Onion Pasta

Ingredients

• 5 small onions, sliced
• 1 head garlic, bottom sliced off
• ½ cup sun dried tomatoes, chopped
• 1 tbsp paprika
• 1 tsp dried parsley
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp black pepper
• ½ cup coconut milk
• 3 cups farfalle pasta, cooked
• 1 handful fresh parsley, chopped
• 1 handful fresh basil, chopped
• 1 lemon, juiced

Method

• Preheat the oven to 400°F. Put the onions, tomatoes, and spices in a casserole dish, then toss together. Place the garlic head in the center and drizzle with oil. Cover with foil and bake for an hour or until the onions are caramelized, tossing halfway through.
• Before the the onions are done, prepare the pasta and reserve a cup of the water.
• Remove the garlic from the casserole dish, squeeze out the cloves when safe, and mix together with the fresh herbs, lemon juice, coconut milk, pasta, and pasta water as needed.

[Grief also involves mourning your old life.]

If we were compatible, we’d know exactly what the other person meant all the time, right?

[Language is primarily for internal use to construct our own worldviews, rather than a tool for communication with others.]

The boundaries between self-love and other-love are much blurrier and more dilectical than we’re taught to think…

[What does it mean to feel disgust at bodies similar to yours?]

[Trying something to decide whether you like it or gives you perspective rather than putting you in a box.]

I was taught something, so now i know it, right?

[Nothing can be taught, there is only learning.]

[Having read about a topic or participated in a workshop does not mean knowing it, which is painfully obvious in the trades.]

Let’s talk about keeping your community network going….

[Cross train your community network on manuals by letting each person pick a specific part to master and then teaching it to the group.]

[Keep things interesting by meeting up without a specific plan, deciding something fun together, and getting to it right away from there.]

[Build a network resource together through labour or by chipping in funds.]

[Most people who use Facebook or Twitter don’t know what protocol they’re using.]

Visual design rules you can safely follow every time

[Differentiate hues in a palette with unique brightness values.]

[Saturate your neutrals with warm or cool colours, but not both.]

[Spacing better separates contrasting elements than similar ones.]

The Three-Faced Interface

The YouTube you see has the same colours and layout as the one I see, and yet we’re not present in each other’s space like two customers browsing through the same record collection at a music store. The Internet is seldom used to ‘connect us together’ any more. No, we’re each in a private bubble.

In a sense, the new digital interfaces are like a reflective store-front made of one-way glass. Whoever approaches will see an image of themselves, reflected in what products turn up, and what messages they receive. The corporate can see them, but the person is encouraged to imagine themselves as walking through an uninhabited room with shelves that belong to them: my shelf, my basket, my account, my list, my favourites, my Amazon, my Google etc. In the 1980s there was no ‘my Walmart’, but now your data is reflected back to you as your own store with that possessive pronoun. In doing that, they get to present themselves as you.

‘Erica’ is legally in the same category as the bank’s supply of staples or fleet of vehicles, but they don’t give human names to their water coolers or keyboards. They only grant that to assets that form part of the new outward-facing interface. They encourage us to get on first-name terms with this combination of code and hardware, and by now all of us have experienced the proliferation of these named interfaces like Alexa, Bard, Claude, or Jasper.

AI chatbots give the one-way mirror a human name that’s different to your own. “I’m having a conversation with Erica”, you think to yourself as you transmit information to the (largely male) engineers of Bank of America. “She knows me so well”.