[A given name like ‘honour killings’ portrays that violence as somehow different than in the occidental nations: more barbaric and primitive. Is ours any better?]
[1. What is the difference between hearing and endorsing a dangerous idea? 2. Should we hear them or not, and why? 3. Is it possible to discuss them productively?]
[Strengthening an argument doesn’t make it more threatening.]
[Appreciate disagreements; notice and address anxiety.]
[Systemic issues stick when their disagreements are stuck in unproductive states or off limits of discussion.]
I changed the game from “online debate” to “potluck at my house.” I changed the goal from “let’s debate ideas” to “let’s enjoy each other’s company while having a stimulating conversation.” I changed the conversational medium from “type into a comment text box” to “discuss over food and drink.” And I changed the question from “What do you believe?” to the biggest unanswered question in my own head: “What’s the endgame for the gun-control debate?”
[By realizing that we knew less, we felt somehow wiser.]
A traditional essay makes a single case and puts all its weight behind it. A problem brief collects the best proposals [and criticisms] that attempt to answer the open question. That means it might have two or five or a hundred different proposals, each with supporting evidence and proposed actions, each a result of a collaboration between supporters and opponents.
[Focus on end-games instead of arguing specific points.]
the low doorway is meant to remind guests to enter with respect.
And so we struggle to reach out, and to respond with our fragile hurting brains. We want connection, and we also find the possibility potentially very difficult when we’re not doing so well. After all, if you invite someone over, they will see your messy house, and maybe judge you. And everyone’s “house” is a mess right now in one way or another.
love the hack to reach out right before ‘correspondence bankruptcy’ to reduce pressure on the recipient 👍🏽 i also try to generally cultivate a norm of ’no response necessary’ with anything i send; if it’s urgent i’ll call or say so.
this made me reflect on my frequent desire for solitude, often by saying or feeling that ‘my social cup is full’. i never thought that it might cost me some ‘social muscles’ but i can see that as a possibility if it goes on for too long. nevertheless, i’d like to think that i know when i want to have company and when not, that i have good judgement in balancing this within myself.
in what seems to now be a previous life, where i felt an overwhelming lack of social interaction, friendship, or companionship, i practiced what i called ‘shake the tree’ once or twice a year: dm everyone with warm wishes and my current city. many were happy i sent this, many reacted with a simple emoji, many didn’t respond, but it generally felt worthwhile for me.
[To any disagreement, you can ask: What’s really at stake here? If true, what happens? What truth would cause you to change your mind? If this were no longer a problem, how would we get there?]
[‘Nutpicking’ is to select the most extreme viewpoint so that it’s easy to tear apart; an empty victory that invites another cycle.]
[Consider helping the opposition build their strongest arguments and enlist them to build up yours. Iron sharpens iron, and each of you is best suited to find flaws in the others’ approach.]
[We’re easily blind to the loopholes in our own desires.]
[Even if one side wins through power, do they really expect the other side to simply shut up about it forever?]
What is your relationship to the unknown? What is it like to have sensitivity to nature and spirits?
[Reason habituates us to asking black-and-white questions like “what is real?” and “what actually happened?” when actually there’s no need to go there, to the point that some people feel a sense of duty to correct others who believe in something considered unacceptable.]
[Ghosts are more heart-realm metaphors than head-realm beings.]
To ask a good question, walk right up to the perimeter of your current understanding about something and find a question that you don’t know the answer to.
[Instead of “are ghosts real?” ask “what experiences led you to your beliefs?”.]
It’s amazing to have a chance to peek into someone’s belief systems and memories, a treasure trove wasted by a bad question.
[People don’t need to answer, or do so truthfully.]
[Open and honest dialogue requires the information shared to not be weaponized.]
[The fruits of disagreement include: 1. security (negotiating for foundation); 2. growth (taking risks to discover new possibilities and potential security); 3. connection (being able to relate to people with diverse perspectives); and 4. enjoyment, learning to enjoy fundamental disagreements because the discussion brings new nuance each time.]
[Going beyond battling for security diffuses the zero-sum game to enable everyone to gain and grow from the experience.]
Make a plan for your kids, discuss it with them. Write your will. Sign a power of attorney. Talk about DNR/DNI with your family and decide if it’s right for you. Make one box for originals or copies of the following: life insurance policy; home and car owners insurance; medical and vaccination records; tax records; court orders, such as child support and custody; social security card; marriage license; birth certificate; passports; vehicle titles and registrations; important documents and anything you don’t want to lose; copies of last months bills (make it easy for the person taking care)
Twitter’s game mechanics select for a low-effort posting strategy, the dunking game. The rules are: find a way to misunderstand the tweet so that it is wrong. If you can’t, quote it out of context so that it is wrong. Tired.
[Might seem futile to add one’s voice to the cacophony of others on social media, especially as it makes little difference to people suffering over there, but my voice is all I have.]
[When someone talks down to you, 1) flip it around with ’this way of speaking is beneath me’; 2) assert authority by ‘allowing’ or ‘giving them another chance’ to try that again’; and 3) express that you are ‘willing to continue the conversation if they speak respectfully’.]
‘Capoeira should be fun’ can extend to the game itself; the movement you admire is never in frenzy; always calma, giving time and space, not allowing someone else to make you hyperventilate; how can it feel more like effortless language exchange?
We can even extend this farther: how can everything be fun? more like that? fluid conversation with yourself and the stars.
[Let hotheads vent without interruption to ‘deflate the balloon’. Ask them to repeat with ‘can you please tell me that again?’ so that they can speak more calmly (they’ve already vented). Ask questions of fact like who, what, where, when to engage with their analytical side.]