[Having things implies responsibility, and giving them away implies giving away responsibility.]
[Having things implies responsibility, and giving them away implies giving away responsibility.]
The news knows how to render its own mechanics almost invisible and therefore hard to question. It speaks to us in a natural unaccented voice, without reference to its own assumption-laden perspective. It fails to disclose that it does not merely report on the world, but is instead constantly at work crafting a new planet in our minds in line with its own often highly distinctive priorities.
[Many people avoid writing wills because they don’t feel ready to pass on yet, but the universe doesn’t care and the government already has one written for you with a higher tax rate.]
[The power of writing down “what occurs to you” can be helpful for gaining clarity.]
[Even if “you’re gone when you’re gone” and don’t care what happens to your stuff, it’s wise to make a power of attorney.]
[In some Canadian provinces, probating a will essentially makes it public. One workaround is to use a trust, which is often a private document.]
[For the first year, avoid taking complicated decisions (especially when you’re brain is foggy) and just mourn.]
[Trusts can own assets when passed to them by the settlor, and beneficiaries can be classes of definable people or entities (for example, grandchildren not yet born).]
[Those over 65 can create Alter Ego Trusts in place of a will to distribute assets with more privacy, and transfer some assets into a trust without taxation events.]
[Advisors you might deal with include: bankers, investment advisors, estate planners, insurance advisors, lawyers, and accountants. The last two must be fiduciaries (obliged to act in your interest under risk of legal proceedings or loss of license.)]
[Ask progressively squirm-causing questions, about their 1) qualifications and if they’re regulated by an organization; 2) experience in years; 3) services and how often you’ll meet; 4) licenses to handles specific asset types (like stocks, bonds, etc…); 5) errors and omissions insurance; 6) their team if any to be wary of rookies thrown in later; 7) fees and payment structure; 8) sales quota this week; 9) understanding of fiduciary and if they are one (they must answer this correctly); 10) audited track record of selecting investments; a) answers in writing on company letterhead.]
[Writing a will is unselfish because it mostly benefits your loved ones as opposed to you.]
[Update your will when someone turns 18, gets married or divorced, or if you move to another state or buy real estate. Check it every five years.]
Do not say, “Call me if you need anything,” because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: “I will be there at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb,” or “I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk.” Be reliable.
To the new griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person-the one who relays information to the outside world, or organizes well-wishers. Gatekeepers are really helpful.
[Compare something unfamiliar with the familiar can nudge us toward taking care for our safety.]
My tragedy is not contagious; you will not catch your children’s death from me. I know you don’t know what to say. I wouldn’t have a few months ago, either. A little advice? Don’t platitude me. Do not start any sentences with the phrase “at least,” for you will then witness my miraculous transformation into Grief Warrior.
On the page, everything is allowed. Everything has a voice.
Leftovers are the requisite variety I need to feel comfortable cooking at home, so I should consider it the goal instead of avoiding it like an efficiency issue.
When someone you love dies, you don’t just lose them in the present or in the past. You lose the future you should have had, and might have had, with them. They are missing from all the life that was to be. Seeing other people get married, have kids, travel-all the things you expected out of life with your person-gone. Seeing other children go to kindergarten, or graduate, or get married—all those things your child should have done, had they lived. Your kids never get to know their brilliant uncle; your friend never gets to read your finished book.
A day (or more) inside a blanket fort of your own choosing is healthy.
[Being kind to yourself means not letting your own mind beat you up.]
[Early grief is liminal: we are no longer who we were and not yet solidified into something new—everything is in flux.]
[Anxiety can be overwhelming as there’s no shortage of potential disasters. You can trust yourself.]
[Grief also involves mourning your old life.]
If we were compatible, we’d know exactly what the other person meant all the time, right?
[Language is primarily for internal use to construct our own worldviews, rather than a tool for communication with others.]
following the signs toward an imminent hopeful cybernetic future.
agency over platform
in it, but not of it
[An unconference gathering structure with chairs in the middle of the audience where anyone can sit to speak but it requires another person in the center to leave; one chair left empty invites new people to join anytime.]
Hospice Mode: The stage your when your phone / fitness tracker / laptop is in its final months and you’re just prolonging its death through a series of coping techniques. Carrying around extra battery packs. Patiently giving it 10 minutes to restart. Resetting the system at regular intervals.
Manel: Panel made up entirely of men. Usually honouring work done entirely by other men.
Pinkering: Named for Steven Pinker - a common phenomenon among do-gooder elites who cite the long arc of human history in order to downplay and minimise any immediate suffering.
Privacy Veganism: Unnecessarily shaming people who aren’t willing to delete their Facebook account when it’s a functional necessity in their social context