Charles Mingus: Cumbia and Jazz Fusion (excerpt)

a few minutes of super swinging AAVE

After a bunch of time in Europe, I'm considering to move there for the foreseeable future as it seems like a place where life happens more obviously for me.

Back in Canada to do administrative things, I must confront choices about detaching: I'm comforted by the supports and amenities available to me in my family home, but I sense the city's culture makes me cynical and frustrated over the long-term. I try to avoid ranting about Toronto, but, as an example: it disturbs me that so many here aspire to buy the same SUV and custom home design with street names written on the house. Happy to know people here across the political spectrum who break out of this trend toward "sameness".

I might also end up on a longer than expected break from my capoeira group and movement training to sort myself out, which brings me to the arena of self-practice. Recent attempts to train kicks and handstands in the company of a chair have made me realize how much I've relied on group trainings to avoid conscious organizing and development—a sort of autopilot. Even though music instilled in me an understanding of how advantageous it is to practice between lessons, I chose to skip that with movement earlier this year to focus on projects and just keep my body active with the group. Starting again has clarified a couple of broader reflections:

1. Individual practice without the intensity of group training may seem less "intense" or "focused" as you find your way, but it also takes extra energy to self-organize and adapt to make sessions possible in environments that are fluctuating, noisy, less private, not purpose-built, or adverse for other reasons.
2. Physical training, daily routines, and food choices can be spaces to practice building your path based on having a memory of what you did, which is a reflex in musical composition and improvisation.
3. Body connection is our desired "magnificent integration of all the things", with electricity built-in.
4. The cost of being sedentary for long periods is often invisible, and forces bringing us there fuel this silent decay.

The administrative puzzle means I will be looking for work over the next year, partly to support myself, partly to prove in visa applications that I am worthy of existing in a new place. Although I've been focused on my own projects since 2020, I feel a hunger to be in service of those in my community; my capacity to encircle problems by creating friendly technical solutions, combined with my bent for communications, can meaningfully help an absurd number of people. Someone recently asked me how I ended up on my path, and it reminded me that both projects floating me financially for a decade were oriented towards serving: AudioScrub gave musicians new repertoire and skills; note the sound freed up venue owners to spend time on their business while their event promotion was handled well. I had fun making some square business cards for people who already know me as a way to share how I can help; only showing it in person 🙂.

Template-based interactions—"Je voudrais un hot dog, s'il vous plaît … merci!"; "Où est le WC? … merci!"—where you more or less treat your interlocutor as a machine, are navigable for precisely the reason that they are of almost no cultural or experiential value. Even if your interlocutor's response is surprising or interesting, you might miss it. Wielding language's magic is intoxi-cating; becoming susceptible to it, even more so.

[Inormation entropy as "how unique or surprising is this?" threads through: text prediction, text generation, autocorrect, search, cloze tests, data compression and transmission, encryption, memory, summarization, random noise, language learning, language evolution…]

["They lived happily ever after" in information entropy terms means "Nothing noteworthy happened for the rest of their lives".]

[People ask "how did you meet your spouse?" and not "how did you stay married?" because the latter is a story of struggle and pain.]

[Entropy is why we place more value on advice from someone whose response is less predictable.]

[Pithy marketing phrases are "cliches with a diff".]

[War can be "popular" but never the collective choice of a population.]

Bana: Fidjo de Ninguém

thought this was some kind of quaint samba but learned it's morna with lyrics in Cape Verdean Creole.

[Drug dealers and their clients have to constantly invent new language as if they were poets when referring to substances, because known euphemisms or cliches can mean jail.]

[Latin speakers naming those with whom they break bread "com-panis" ("with bread") led to our word "companion".]

[People are always changing as you get to know them—partly due to your presence: they are never still.]

[Neurons change their connection structure each time they fire. Functional brains change. Experience changes you or it didn't happen. Relating is risky because you can't get to know someone without changing them or somewhat becoming them.]

[We can't actually touch anything: our perception of contact is really body atoms and table atoms exerting electromagnetic force on each other—dynamic exchange rather than static contact.]

Onyx Collective: 97 Allen St.

heard two other albums by this band and it didn't really get my attention, but this track did; frantic hard driving intense free jazz

Body connection is our desired "magnificent integration of all the things", with electricity built-in.

Physical training, daily routines, and food choices can be spaces to practice building your path based on having a memory of what you did, which is a reflex in musical composition and improvisation.

Individual practice without the intensity of group training may seem less "intense" or "focused" as you find your way, but it also takes extra energy to self-organize and adapt so that sessions are possible in environments that are fluctuating, noisy, less private, not purpose-built, or adverse for other reasons.

[An aptronym is a surname amusingly appropriate to one's occupation, such as poker champion Chris Moneymaker or British neurology duo Russell Brain and Henry Head.]

What is a woman?

[Plastic surgery, anti-balding hair products, shoulder pads, top surgery for overweight boys, push-up bras, and wigs are all examples of gender-affirming care.]

[It's common for people born intersex to have doctors "pick one" without telling anyone in order to save the family from the burden of that choice.]

[Frogs change their sex based on the population's gender distribution, and penguins change their gender.]

[What exists is natural. We consider biological expressions "unnatural" until they happen.]

DOTA: Für die Sterne

like her compositional style, cliche pop/folk rhythms with nice rhyming and surprises, pretty musical.

also liked Grenzen and the lovely words in Zuhause.

Unplugged Cypher DLX

hip-hop cypher with a live band.

4:20 Megaloh: merging word sounds into each other
11:56 Bengio: combining percussive hits with switching words

Samy Deluxe: Requiem

lyrical bullets like a German Eminem, nice contrast and musicality in the verse

G.R. Mocidade Independente De Padre Miguel: Repique Reza Forte

plucky old-time guitar solo on a groovy samba

[Much of migration is the labour of making yourself acceptable to people in the target culture.]

My dinner with Andre

[New York is the new model for a prison that's built by the inmates themselves. The inmates are also the guards and very proud of what they've built. Having been lobotomized, they have little capacity to leave the prison they've made or even see it as a prison.]

Pharoah Sanders: The Creator Has A Master Plan

impressive vocal control with this rapid falsetto breaking; nice n' crazy free jazz before and after

ศักดิ์สิทธิ์ เวชสุภาพร [Tor Saksit]: ปรากฏการณ์ [Phenomenon]

catchy Thai melody I stumbled upon in 2023 but never got around to learning; some cliche jazzy chords with nice surprises

Why are you obsessed with US?

[Profit from environmental exploitation wastes tangible resources to generate hypothetical value in the form of money, which derives its vaue from the resources being wasted; like a system that consumes itself by merely existing.]

Comedian Harmonists: Mein Kleiner Grüner Kaktus

more silly German music suggestions in response to my question, this one about "my little green cactus".

also, some vulgar Mozart in Good night, You are quite an ox and one I won't translate.

Why just wash my hands with soap and water when I can hand-wash the dishes with soap and water?

Mussorgsky/Ravel: The Great Gate Of Kiev

bone-chillingly majestic as it is, but it probably feels stronger to listen to the 11 parts before. from Pictures at an exhibition

[The deaf] can comfortably sign while watching someone else sign. In large groups it still makes sense to have one "speaker" at a time, because people cannot look in more than one direction at a time, but conversations between pairs [have more overlapping communication than spoken conversations, as if they talk and listen simultaneously.]

[Conversation is best as duet over duel: each positioning the other to say great things, playing for the game and assist rather than the score.]

[Debate features adversarial "zero-sum" conversation, where weakening their position is as good as strengthening yours, and largely militaristic metaphors of] defending a statement, attacking a position, falling back to a weaker version of a thesis, countering one accusation with another.

[An alternative to the debate game could be one where two sides are given seemingly incompatible objectives for an upcoming legislation and scored on how well they argue that it supports their side. The score of each side added up and given to both sides, so they rank higher by collaborating more.]

Susso: Keira (2016)

music inspired by, and directly sampling, the magnificent sounds of the Mandinka people, recorded during a recent trip to Gambia.

3. Bani: glitchy sampling and splicing of former words.
4. Son Kunda: hip-hop electronic beat overlayed with tribal singing that's nicely unrelated to the instrumental tonality

[Answering questions about my book can mean: "short sound bites", "short anecdotes", "long considered reflections", or "long comprehensive explorations". I leave "pores" or pauses in my response to let the listener interject, hint at continuation, or change topics, and then gauge how deep to go based on that feedback.]

[Usage patterns show speakers using "uh" before shorter pauses of less than a second and "um" to indicate that a longer pause is ahead.]

[The longer you analyze stocks, the more markets have time to change. Fashion seasons also change while you shop; most] bad fashion is simply good fashion at the wrong time]

[Bryan Ferneyhough deliberately composes unperformable music to force interpreters to break out of simple reproduction and instead involve themselves as co-creators of site-specific performances (that can't be repeated).]

[Being spontaneous means keeping up with the situation, but you can't be sensitive if it changes while you're making sense of it.]

Growing up, I found reading a challenge because my mind would wander. I used to hope humans would invent more efficient forms of ingesting information (like video explainers or interactive experiences). I'm glad to not think that way anymore and for many years have maintained the belief that books are the greatest technology humans have invented.

Although I aspire to go through them like Cookie Monster eats cookies, I'm not there yet, and thought to share some things that helped me along the way.

tracking

Since 2019, I list books I've read in my klog as it motivates me to read more; the name is from "book log" in the way that blog is from "web log", but also has this nice whiff of "cramming stuff into your brain". Sometimes it felt superficial, but I tried to stay conscious of why I'm reading and it's generally been useful.

notes

Since maybe 2009, I've taking notes on readings. I actually used to write out quotes by hand until going digital in 2019 and at some point will incorporate them into my klog.

Some part of me naively hopes to eliminate reading more than once if I've taken the right notes, capturing ideas forever and making it easier to either remember or find, but that probably doesn't happen as imagined.

I try to paraphrase in my own words wherever possible as it helps me to clarify what is communicated. Sometimes the author says it better, sometimes I can, but the focus is to note what's meaningful for me.

Recently, I've linked each klog entry to my quotes and paraphrases (inspired by Derek Sivers' book notes page).

skip

I also note books I skip because that's part of reading too and it provides a useful indicator of what someone with my perspective finds relevant.

This came after a long phase of feeling forced to read every word from start to finish, probably by some idea that I should be able to read and understand anything. My reading progress would stall when I landed on something uninteresting, and some imaginary academic finger would wag to guilt me into ingesting IMPORTANT CANON. But one of Nassim Nicholas Taleb's books snapped me out of it, and instilled morefreedom to go in and out of various books, to not finish.

rights

I would finish by saying that a large part of what helped me read more is simply having a different mindset.

Last year I encountered a list in Portuguese called "rights of the reader", which seems to be paraphrased and translated from a book by Daniel Pennac; there's even an illustrated PDF of the list.

1. the right to not read
2. the right to skip pages
3. the right to not finish a book
4. the right to start anywhere or read in any order
5. the right to read whatever you want
6. the right to read wherever you want
7. the right to not talk about what you've read
8. the right to read again
9. the right to escape real life
10. the right to read aloud

I know I needed to hear this, maybe you know someone who also does?

ive been "promoting" things on the internet for 15 years now! here's my top tips

• show yourself having fun
• many consistent repeated small launches is better than one big launch
• someone needs to see something like nine times before it sticks
• reward people for following along with everything. you can never go too far with in-jokes
• let people feel part of something.
• never show off. never try to be cool
• be like a monster in a horror film - never show the whole thing. make it seem like there's more to discover by clicking through
• create drama and arguments by being fearless and stupid
• make it clear you dont need anyone - you're having fun on your own. its more infectious that way
• show how you feel. feelings are more powerful than information
• its a lot like rolling the dice. to go viral once, roll a thousand dice

"Inevitable" often means "would love to do that without your consent".

We still have a choice!

[Aspiring tech overlords seek to remove people's ability to consent.]

[Destabilizing the developing world through stealing resources and destructive wars is a cause for mass displacement and migration. The spoils are used to build western tech infrastructure and mass surveillance is proposed as a solution to people's fears of scary migrants walking around.]

[The ruling class wants you to believe you shouldn't have a say in how your society's resources are used to shape the future of your society; it's necessary to convince you because it's actually not inevitable.]

[Computers may be one of the first tools to preceed their tasks: first build it, then figure out what to do with it.]

"There is no shallow end," a philosophy professor told me. Because any objection whatsoever, from any angle, can fell a theory, you can't carve out ace of philosophical territory, master it in isola-, and move on to the next.

My first day of class in the philosophy major, the professor opens the semester by saying that anyone who says that "philosophy is useless" is already philosophizing, building up an intellectual argument to make a point that is important to them, and therefore defeating their own statement in the very breath of uttering it.

You question the assumptions of physics and you end up in metaphysics—a branch of philosophy. You question the assumptions of history and you end up in epistemology—a branch of philosophy. You try to take any other discipline out at the foundations and you end up in philosophy; you try to take philosophy out at the foundations and you only end up in meta-philosophy: even deeper in than when you started.

Who pays the price?

Universal basic income is not a reward for idleness; it is recognition that productivity gains belong to society, not just to capital.

A society that automates its way to prosperity while abandoning its workers has not progressed at all.

Technology advocacy without social advocacy is just greed with better tooling.

There is Always Another Lunch

most daily choices are reversible, and because life presents an endless stream of future opportunities, spending excessive time and energy on minor decisions is inefficient and puts you at the end of the lunchtime rush of orders put into the kitchen.

Margaret Atwood on American Myths and Authoritarianism

[In a material world, being poor goes beyond what you have to include being undervalued and therefore treated as negligible. The more equal people are in terms of what they have, the happier they will be.]

Scott Galloway: We’re Raising The Most Unhappy Generation In History! Hard Work Doesn't Build Wealth

[Information asymmetry benefits whoever has symmetry and knows the information. Bosses know how much everyone is getting paid but may discourage talking about salaries to avoid someone finding out their colleague makes 30% more for the same work.]

[Everyone you're ashamed to ask for fear of rejection will be dead. Willingness to take uncomfortable risks and endure rejection opens yourself up to outsized returns. Get out a spoon and eat shit.]

[Think of the emotions you want them to feel and practice it every day in your content storytelling.]

the key to capturing clicks is convincing people that you have the answers to their questions—that you hold the proverbial key to all the solutions. If you can over-complicate simple things loudly, people will pay attention.

The Most Valuable Commodity in the World is Friction

we have a world where friction gets automated out of experiences, aestheticized in curated lifestyles, and dumped onto underfunded infrastructure and overworked labor. The effort doesn't disappear; it just moves.

The economic signal (the diploma) still circulates as if the underlying work has occurred. But the work isn’t there. We’ve just shifted the friction offscreen, and have outsourced it to a chatbot and let the system pretend nothing’s changed. So at this moment, we are credentialing fluency with tools that do the thinking for you.

friction has become a class experience. Wealth has always helped smooth over bumps - but when the physical world is such a mess and the digital world is so easy, it’s simple to curate the digital into the physical if you have money.

The American economy has been running a decades-long experiment in removing friction, both through technological advancement and through financial engineering that pushes costs into the future. The resulting prosperity has been very real, but it's been built on the proverbial kicking the can down the road.

When Mark Zuckerberg's Meta builds frictionless social interfaces, that cognitive smoothness is subsidized by somewhere, somehow, right? The same economy that produces simulated friends for the lonely American also produces understaffed air traffic control towers. The same investor class that funds "never think alone" startups also lobbies against infrastructure spending, or perhaps, housing.

Amazon's one-click ordering creates a seamless customer experience by offloading friction onto warehouse workers and delivery drivers.

There's nothing worse than being right and everyone agreeing with you. There's no way to make any cash.

Compliance is the New American Dream

a world built on compliance might function for a while. But it will never lead. And right now, we really need people who can lead.

think, move, listen, cook, hydrate, breathe, music, people, play – every day

For the interview with Goldman I turned up in my hoodie and trainers and I told them that I definitely didn't want the job. They put me through to the second round after that.

Stocks never go down. Stocks only go up. When the economy is good stocks go up, and when the economy is shit, they print so much money stocks go up even more. Same with fucking houses. Everything goes up. The asset holders never lose.

One hundred days

You are NOT right if you stand a man on his head JUST to get attention. You ARE right if you have him on his head to show how your product keeps things from falling out of his pockets.

Why Labour and Trump will both fail

[Money is not a real resource like food or housing; it's used to determining the allocation of real resources.]

there are too many problems i've solved with nail clippers

composing (to place/put together) becomes necessary when you don't have everything

[The economy is people and their ability to live, not numbers. We didn't need to make conversations with our cleaners to understand the lives of everyday people.]

[In the best trades, you use your nose to smell stupidity.]

Surviving Crappy Markets 101

[Market downturns are more the norm than exception, yet bull market gains often make up for them in multiples.]

This is another general rule of trading: you don't necessarily make money by being right, but by being right when others are wrong.

Trevor Noah: My Depression Was Linked To ADHD! Why I Left The Daily Show!

[Growing up in abusive households make you sensitive to your environment to the point where I knew by the sound of his footsteps whether or not my stepfather was coming home drunk.]

[You'll be surprised at how often your 'screw them' choice reflects something you perhaps need to be doing more of.]

[It's easier to burn down a building than build one up.]

['Destroying' someone will not convince them.]

The person who helped me shift never made me feel small. Minds change when they are made to feel large. When they are respected and gently challenged. When they are helped to stretch and make more room for another point of view.

The E-Myth Revisited by Michael E. Gerber on Blinkist.

[Technical skill alone is insufficient to kickstart a successful business and can easily lead to unsustainable models where the founder does everything.]

[Turnkey businesses are popular because they have a far higher success rate; they consider and plan all aspects of the business beforehand so that the owner doesn't need to be present.]

[Every single process needs to be documented in order for someone to run the business without you.]

[Structure all aspects of the business to support your personal objectives.]

[Your marketing should consider the customer and ignore everything else. Get to know their profile as best as you can and market in ways that are appealing to them. Adapt your strategy as they change.]

[All of this 'business development process' never stops, continuing as you learn while in motion and understand through testing.]

Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche on Blinkist.

One must be a sea to receive a polluted stream without becoming impure.

Speed Reading by Kam Knight on Blinkist.

[Note down every recent read and your reason for each; having clear purpose optimizes your perception and naturally goal-seeking tendencies for what's relevant.]

[Perceive the outline or structure beforehand to give yourself a mental model to fill in as you read.]

[Shift your gaze to the spaces between words or slightly off center to use your peripheral vision.]

[Inhibit subvocalization by closing your mouth firmly, humming, or listening to instrumental music.]

[Having an idea of the author's main message before reading helps move beyond a set of random words and into reinforcement of a larger concept. Reflect after each chapter on how the details support the main point. Mark new words and research them after each chapter to put them in better context.]

[Reduce eye strain with exercises such as: looking from side to side without moving your head, rolling them in a circle, or making figure eights.]

Capital by Karl Marx on Blinkist.

[Human labour transforms raw resources into commodities that have a 'use value' and 'exchange value'.]

[Work is a means to survive, rather than express creativity or humanity, and alienates workers from each other by forcing them to compete against one another for limited jobs.]

[Value comes from human labour, and transitioning entirely to mechanized labour generally reduces the rate of profit.]

Atomic Habits by James Clear on Blinkist.

[Habits compound when repeated but results are not noticeable day-to-day.]

[Focus on your trajectory instead of the result.]

[Habits are by being led from cues that triggers you to act, to cravings for a specific outcome, to responses that alleviate yhe craving, to an eventual reward that gives you a positive feeling.]

[Help strengthen your cue by changing your environment and implementing an intention or plan.]

[Bundle habits you avoid with ones you like.]

How Emotions Are Made by Lisa Feldman Barrett on Blinkist.

[Our labeling of emotions refers to the culturally created concept rather than a specific universal sensations.]

Let’s make homemade oat milk! 🥣🥛☕️

Ingredients

• 1 cup rolled oats
• 6 cups water
• 1 pinch salt

Method

• Blend everything together and strain with a tea filter.

Behave by Robert Sapolsky on Blinkist.

[Damage or pressure to the amygdala or frontal cortex can spur people to do harmful or negative things without them being aware of it.]

Win Every Argument by Mehdi Hasan on Blinkist.

[As it's uncommon for many people to debate purely with logic, telling stories lets you appeal to their emotions while also making rational arguments.]

How to Read Faster: 11 Ways to Increase Your Reading Speed

[Distract from subvocalization with instrumental music or by chewing gum.]

[Chunk a few words at a time, or vertically divide the text into three sections to try and take in groups of words, covering what's upcoming if needed.]

[Rereading as a habit might not be necessary and can be helped by following your finger or another visual marker.]

[Look at the center of each line to engage your peripheral vision into taking in the whole thing.]

The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith on Blinkist.

[Division of labour enables members to specialize, which encourages focus, innovation, and thus productivity.]

[Money enables a form of labour division by alowing suppliers to specialize rather than providing too broad a selectiong of goods.]

[Trading provides financial compensation to the workers, factory owner, and land owner. This product of labour called "stock" of is used to sustain the recipient and surplus can be directed towards other assets.]

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill on Blinkist.

[You might evaluate your strengths and weaknesses once a year on your own (more subjective) and with someone who knows you well (more objective).]

Limitless by Jim Kwik on Blinkist.

[Avoid task switching as it makes focusing more difficult.]

[Count numbers out loud while reading to inhibit subvocalization from slowing your reading speed.]

Unlimited Memory by Kevin Horsley on Blinkist.

[Convert numbers into sounds based on their shape or story, and use those sounds to create words and corresponding scenarios. For example, 1969 turns into 9 / B, 6 / sh, and 9 / P, which could be a bishop landing on the moon.]

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle on Blinkist

[Bring yourself into observation of your thoughts by asking "What will my next thought be?"]

As it currently exists, foreign reporting implicitly defers to the priorities of the state and of business, occupying itself almost exclusively with events which touch on military, commercial or humanitarian concerns. Foreign news wants to tell us with whom and where we should fight, trade or sympathize[, but] these three areas of interest really aren't priorities for the majority of us.

[We might not find Italian politics interesting if we're living in a different country, yet it's conceivable to watch a two hour Shakespearean play about Julius Caesar. This is because underneath stories that may have a different reality to ours in the specific, there lies the universals which transcend those gaps. The news might not write like Shakespeare, but would do well to pay attention to these universals.]

A journalistic gaffe is something a powerful person inadvertently says or does in a momentary lapse which (as everyone knows) in no way reflects their considered views and yet which the news seizes upon and refuses to let go of, insisting that the gaffe must be an indicator of a deep and shameful truth.

We should at least be somewhat suspicious of the way that news sources, which otherwise expend considerable energy advertising their originality and independence of mind, seem so often to be in complete agreement on the momentous question of what happened today.

the news cruelly exploits our weak hold on a sense of perspective.

having perspective involves an ability to compare an apparently traumatic event in the present with the experiences of humanity across the whole of its history – in order to work out what level of attention and fear it should fairly demand.

With perspective in mind, we soon realize that – contrary to what the news suggests – hardly anything is totally novel, few things are truly amazing and very little is absolutely terrible.

As currently structured, the news does not 'see' the property developer who condemns thousands of people to live in humiliating environments but who nevertheless breaks no laws and steals no money. The most assiduous reporter concerned with fraud won't be able to put a finger on anyone criminally responsible for the commercial messages that subtly erode the dignity and intelligence of public life or find anyone who can be arrested for a decline in politeness or respect between the sexes.

[Religions take a pedagogical approach in conveying what is considered to be important, and the news could learn from this.]

The status quo could confidently remain forever undisturbed by a flood of, rather than a ban on, news.

Many tools make a good toolbox.

[Small talk is a test to see how people respond to meaningless things and determine whether it's worth bringing up more serious things.]

[Having things implies responsibility, and giving them away implies giving away responsibility.]

The news knows how to render its own mechanics almost invisible and therefore hard to question. It speaks to us in a natural unaccented voice, without reference to its own assumption-laden perspective. It fails to disclose that it does not merely report on the world, but is instead constantly at work crafting a new planet in our minds in line with its own often highly distinctive priorities.

leftovers are also for project work: best to ensure them as a goal so that we have a way back in, but also so that we can combine unsuspecting components into a spontaneous composition.

Pickled Onions

Ingredients

• red onions, sliced and packed in a jar
• ½ jar water
• ½ jar vinegar
• 1 tsp sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• spices to toast

Method

• Bring the liquid, sugar, and salt to a boil and pour back into the jar. Top with the spices, shake, and refrigerate overnight.

[Many people avoid writing wills because they don't feel ready to pass on yet, but the universe doesn't care and the government already has one written for you with a higher tax rate.]

[The power of writing down "what occurs to you" can be helpful for gaining clarity.]

[Even if "you're gone when you're gone" and don't care what happens to your stuff, it's wise to make a power of attorney.]

[In some Canadian provinces, probating a will essentially makes it public. One workaround is to use a trust, which is often a private document.]

[For the first year, avoid taking complicated decisions (especially when you're brain is foggy) and just mourn.]

[Trusts can own assets when passed to them by the settlor, and beneficiaries can be classes of definable people or entities (for example, grandchildren not yet born).]

[Those over 65 can create Alter Ego Trusts in place of a will to distribute assets with more privacy, and transfer some assets into a trust without taxation events.]

[Advisors you might deal with include: bankers, investment advisors, estate planners, insurance advisors, lawyers, and accountants. The last two must be fiduciaries (obliged to act in your interest under risk of legal proceedings or loss of license.)]

[Ask progressively squirm-causing questions, about their 1) qualifications and if they're regulated by an organization; 2) experience in years; 3) services and how often you'll meet; 4) licenses to handles specific asset types (like stocks, bonds, etc…); 5) errors and omissions insurance; 6) their team if any to be wary of rookies thrown in later; 7) fees and payment structure; 8) sales quota this week; 9) understanding of fiduciary and if they are one (they must answer this correctly); 10) audited track record of selecting investments; a) answers in writing on company letterhead.]

[Writing a will is unselfish because it mostly benefits your loved ones as opposed to you.]

[Update your will when someone turns 18, gets married or divorced, or if you move to another state or buy real estate. Check it every five years.]

Do not say, "Call me if you need anything," because your friend will not call. Not because they do not need, but because identifying a need, figuring out who might fill that need, and then making a phone call to ask is light years beyond their energy levels, capacity or interest. Instead, make concrete offers: "I will be there at 4:00 p.m. on Thursday to bring your recycling to the curb," or "I will stop by each morning on my way to work and give the dog a quick walk." Be reliable.

To the new griever, the influx of people who want to show their support can be seriously overwhelming. What is an intensely personal and private time can begin to feel like living in a fish bowl. There might be ways you can shield and shelter your friend by setting yourself up as the designated point person-the one who relays information to the outside world, or organizes well-wishers. Gatekeepers are really helpful.

[Compare something unfamiliar with the familiar can nudge us toward taking care for our safety.]

My tragedy is not contagious; you will not catch your children's death from me. I know you don't know what to say. I wouldn't have a few months ago, either. A little advice? Don't platitude me. Do not start any sentences with the phrase "at least," for you will then witness my miraculous transformation into Grief Warrior.

On the page, everything is allowed. Everything has a voice.

Leftovers are the requisite variety I need to feel comfortable cooking at home, so I should consider it the goal instead of avoiding it like an efficiency issue.

When someone you love dies, you don't just lose them in the present or in the past. You lose the future you should have had, and might have had, with them. They are missing from all the life that was to be. Seeing other people get married, have kids, travel-all the things you expected out of life with your person-gone. Seeing other children go to kindergarten, or graduate, or get married—all those things your child should have done, had they lived. Your kids never get to know their brilliant uncle; your friend never gets to read your finished book.

A day (or more) inside a blanket fort of your own choosing is healthy.

[Being kind to yourself means not letting your own mind beat you up.]

[Early grief is liminal: we are no longer who we were and not yet solidified into something new—everything is in flux.]

[Anxiety can be overwhelming as there's no shortage of potential disasters. You can trust yourself.]

Caramelized Onion Pasta

Ingredients

• 5 small onions, sliced
• 1 head garlic, bottom sliced off
• ½ cup sun dried tomatoes, chopped
• 1 tbsp paprika
• 1 tsp dried parsley
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp black pepper
• ½ cup coconut milk
• 3 cups farfalle pasta, cooked
• 1 handful fresh parsley, chopped
• 1 handful fresh basil, chopped
• 1 lemon, juiced

Method

• Preheat the oven to 400°F. Put the onions, tomatoes, and spices in a casserole dish, then toss together. Place the garlic head in the center and drizzle with oil. Cover with foil and bake for an hour or until the onions are caramelized, tossing halfway through.
• Before the the onions are done, prepare the pasta and reserve a cup of the water.
• Remove the garlic from the casserole dish, squeeze out the cloves when safe, and mix together with the fresh herbs, lemon juice, coconut milk, pasta, and pasta water as needed.

[Grief also involves mourning your old life.]

If we were compatible, we’d know exactly what the other person meant all the time, right?

[Language is primarily for internal use to construct our own worldviews, rather than a tool for communication with others.]

in it, but not of it